F ChannelAlissa: The Countdown Begins... 3 Days Until My 30-Day Facebook Ban Is Up

Tuesday, February 9, 2021

The Countdown Begins... 3 Days Until My 30-Day Facebook Ban Is Up


Well, being "muted" online has been quite an experience. As an activist, you're often under a magnifying glass in social media shit, and catch bans a little faster/easier than others (yep, they flag accounts, it's been a thing for a few years). This time, mine was a 30-day sentence, the longest thus far. I got so pissed about having my speech limited that I made this site.

Twenty-seven days in, I have some observations. 

I vacillate between thoughts of wondering whether I'm more content nowadays, or depressed. I do more alone now than I have in years; I purposely moved out of "the city" to a completely rural area. I love it so much, this tiny little town with a post office with the same two women at the counter, whom I look forward to bullshitting with each time I ship stuff for my Etsy shop. I miss the interaction of my Facebook group, Coven of the Weird, with the Toot Your Horn Tuesdays, and positive reinforcement and banter. I felt like my social needs were being met during quarantine with this, and the ban has really shaken my feelings towards alone time vs. isolation. Often, I'm pretty excited to share new/stupid/fun/silly ideas online... external validation. It's a powerful drug... one that I apparently fell into without realizing. Is having a blog different? It's been a new experience, having to fight with myself over my fears in starting a website... my fears of whether I was throwing time and effort down a black hole... I wasn't able to post about it. I wasn't able to ask others, I wasn't able to do a poll. I did reach out to trusted friends once I had decided to move forward, one by one, which took a ton more effort... 

Other than making student loan payments (goddamn motherfuckers), I haven't "invested" in myself in the better part of nine years. I started Artful Dead Things last year, but it was more hobby-related. I've been relatively successful with contract therapy, and it's very fulfilling professionally. I have felt ready to grow though, spiritually... as a woman... as an individual... I'm forty years old. Who am I, and who do I want to be?

This ban is up in three days, and I feel more content to make decisions independent of others... in three days, I have a big choice: do I go back to extternal-validation-reliant Alissa, or do I continue on this odyssey of self-exploration?

I'm staying on my own goddamn starship this time. I have put some constraints on myself. No more than one hour of interaction on Facebook - it is a MAJOR time-suck for me. Continue to pour resin 5-6 days per week. Make three or four posts or entries to this site. Allow feedback, but don't become reliant upon it. 

Can I do this? We about to find out. 

No comments:

Post a Comment